Quick answer: Lots of women find orgasm difficult, and most do not orgasm from penetration alone. For most women, clitoral stimulation is the key. Taking the pressure off, learning what you enjoy on your own, telling or showing a partner, and using a toy designed for clitoral stimulation help many women. If something has changed suddenly, or you are worried, talk to your GP or a sex therapist.
Key takeaways
- Difficulty reaching orgasm is very common, and you are not broken.
- Most women need clitoral stimulation; penetration alone often is not enough.
- Pressure to orgasm makes it harder. Focus on pleasure instead.
- Exploring solo helps you learn what works, so you can show a partner.
- Some medicines, especially some antidepressants, can make orgasm harder.
Why it can be hard to orgasm
- Not the right kind of stimulation: the clitoris has thousands of nerve endings, and most women need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
- Pressure and distraction: worrying about whether you will come, or about how you look, pulls you out of the moment.
- Stress and tiredness.
- Medicines: some antidepressants are well known for making orgasm harder or slower. Do not stop a medicine on your own; talk to your doctor.
- Pain or discomfort: it is hard to relax into pleasure if something hurts.
- Not knowing what you like yet: very common, and the easiest thing to change.
Practical tips
- Explore on your own first. Learning how you like to be touched, without anyone watching, takes the pressure away.
- Focus on the clitoris. Try different pressures, speeds and rhythms, directly or through the hood.
- Take more time. Arousal often builds slowly. Long foreplay is not a luxury.
- Communicate. Tell or show your partner what feels good, or guide their hand.
- Choose positions that allow clitoral contact, or leave room for a hand or toy during penetration.
- Let go of the goal. Sex can be satisfying with or without orgasm, and taking that pressure off often makes it happen more easily.
Toys that can help
Many women find a toy makes orgasm easier, because it gives consistent, focused stimulation. Popular options include air pulse toys such as Womanizer and Satisfyer, which stimulate the clitoris without direct contact (compare them in our Womanizer vs Satisfyer guide), and powerful wand vibrators for broad, rumbly vibration. Add a little lube for comfort.
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Magic Wand Rechargeable Massager$279.95 - Marilyn Monroe Classic 2 Womanizer Red$199.95
- SATISFYER PRO 2 PLUS PURPLE$99.95
When to get help
Talk to your GP if you have never had an orgasm and would like to, if orgasm has become difficult after a new medicine or health change, or if it is causing distress. A sex therapist or counsellor can also help, alone or as a couple. Jean Hailes has trusted information on women’s sexual health.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal not to orgasm from penetration?
Yes, very. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and only a minority orgasm from penetration alone.
Can antidepressants affect orgasm?
Yes. Some antidepressants can make orgasm harder or slower. Talk to your doctor, who may be able to adjust your treatment; do not stop it on your own.
Do sex toys make it harder to orgasm with a partner?
Not usually. Many women find toys help them learn what they enjoy, and toys can easily be used with a partner too.
Which toy is best for women who struggle to orgasm?
Air pulse toys like Womanizer and Satisfyer and wand vibrators are popular choices because they give strong, consistent clitoral stimulation. What works best is personal, so start with what appeals to you.
Should I see a doctor about difficulty reaching orgasm?
If it is a new change, linked to a medicine, or causing you distress, a GP is a good first step. A sex therapist can also help.
This article is general information, not medical advice. Everyone is different, so please talk to your GP or a sexual health clinic about your own situation. Helpful Australian resources: Jean Hailes: sex and sexual health.
Questions? Our team is friendly and judgement-free. Call us on 1800 249 569 or visit our Carrum Downs store. Every order ships in discreet, unbranded packaging, with free standard shipping on orders over $100.
